I missed you...

I found the coldest seat in the library. Farthest away from everyone else around me and decided to start writing again. The idea of revisiting a craft that was found during the most depressing years of my life never felt right to me. I always felt the need to leave those chapters in the past, the paper and pen that wrote it, and the mind state that inspired it. But today... I woke up and realized that although those days are memories, these emotions are in all of us. And whether we want to accept it or not, will come out in different lights throughout our spiritual journeys.

How do you find understanding from other people when at times you can't fully understand yourself? It's easy for me to rationalize the life of the person next to me, but I find it hard to do the same for myself. People see this sometimes. They offer hands, advice, attention and time. But what's an ear to a person who can't find the right words to explain themselves? This makes me feel alone in life.

I bottle it in. I take the world on with both hands up. But can't find the courage to lend these burdens to the loved ones willing to take them from me. Why do I feel like the pain I experience is meant for me, and me only, to be healed alone? Am I strong for being able to deal with the hardest parts of life while being a positive soul for everyone else around me? Or am I weak and screaming from the inside to be guided through the darkness with the comfort I could never seem to find in people. Is it an insecurity of not feeling comfortable enough to let it all out?

And although today is dark. The loneliness is felt in my brightest days. Those days where I am standing on a stage bowing to an audience of people who cared to sit down and watch, genuinely applauding, I feel alone.

Whats missing? Why do I imagine a stranger sitting here reading this in a similar environment as the only person who could understand? And why do I feel like that stranger is the only hand worth reaching out back for? Why is it that even though I've let go of all the meaningless relationships around me and have inched closer to the friends and family that truly care about me... I feel you are still a stranger?

I've found myself through loneliness. But am I meant to live in it? I don't know.

But for now.. I have this blog.